Friday, August 11, 2017

Jeff Luhnow is Trying to Ruin Your Life: A Satire

As you may or may not know, I have been privy to some Astros insider info from time to time. I generally keep that information to myself because I've found that the front office is more likely to help me out with interview requests and the like if I'm somewhat circumspect in my use of information obtained from my vast network of spies contacts. But I've come across a bombshell of epic proportions that I feel I must share with you, so share I will.

You see, I have found out that Jeff Luhnow, the General Manager of the Houston Astros, wants to ruin your life. Yes, you. Personally. He's been listening to you bitch and moan and second-guess him for years now and he's fed up with it. So he decided to take it out on you. Yes, you. Personally. And he decided to do it in the year that Sports Illustrated predicted that the Astros would be World Series bound.

His plan was diabolical. He built a team of super stars, rising stars and upcoming stars and let them loose on the baseball world. He planned for the team to get to 50 wins at the fastest pace in franchise history, just to let you get your hopes up. Then he decided to pull the rug out from under you!!! Yes, you. Personally.

His first nefarious plan was to pick up a couple extra voodoo dolls. (He'd already tried one out on one of his pitchers before the season started, but the team was still winning.) So he pulled out another one and stuck a pin in the neck of the doll, but it didn't significantly slow down the team. So then he went with a pin to the back of the third one. OK, that slowed things down a bit, but not enough. So he demanded that all players slide head first into home plate. That took care of one star. And then he conspired with the grounds keeping crew to help trip up another star. Diabolical fiend!!! And all so that he can make your life a living hell. Yes, you. Personally.

But he was concerned that the team was still a little bit too hot. So he pulled out the big guns. At the trade deadline, he let everyone think that he was nearing a deal for the Orioles Zach Britton, but the deal fell apart at the last minute. The truth is that Luhnow NEVER had a deal in place; he just wanted to torment you. Yes, you. Personally. He wanted you to get your hopes up, only to dash them. He's good ... at being evil.

The bonus for Luhnow in not picking up another top of the rotation pitcher is that some of his players are a little on the dis- side of gruntled which has him clapping his hands in glee .... that demon, that spawn of darkness!!! Plus those players who aren't among the walking wounded are starting to put extra stress on themselves to pick up the weight. And Luhnow absolutely loves seeing the Astros "fans" turn on their own players when they struggle. Keep them demoralized, he thinks.

But in the back of his mind, Luhnow is still worried. He compiled too much talent. Yeah, there are injuries, but not season-ending ones so those players are already starting to work their way back. And a couple wins in a row can lift the players spirits. Before you know it, they may all be back to peak performance and enjoying baseball and, gasp, winning. I don't know what he'll do then. But rest assured, he will be pulling out all the stops to thwart them because JEFF LUHNOW WANTS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!!! YES, YOU. PERSONALLY.

To those of my readers who are not on social media, the above is in response to Astros fans on Twitter who are FREAKING OUT about a team that still has the second best record in baseball because they aren't playing their best right this minute. Well, odds are that they will still manage to make the playoffs. They may go all the way. They may not. And if they don't have a good postseason run, I will be disappointed. But I will shrug my shoulders and say, "Next year." Because this system is poised to be making postseason runs for the next few years.


  1. We'll shrug our shoulders and say "next year" like we have every year since 1965.

  2. Good work, Jane ... you got it right.

  3. Sad that people are so tone deaf & literal you felt it necessary to label satire.